Joseph Gordan Levitt just said that pretty girls aren’t funny. I dislike being called a ‘girl’ for one because it makes the callee seem like a pedophile in my opinion, but it seems as though I’ll have to choose one or the other. My attractiveness is pretty questionable as it goes, given that I don’t shave my legs (I’m a feminist! or lazy!) and various other reasons, so I guess I’ll stick with funny (for anyone that read that and scoffed, go fuck yourself) and say goodbye to all the half-hearted gestures I was making towards being attractive. Mostly when I’m trying to be attractive it’s because it’s been my experience that it gets me through airport customs quickly. Also a hot Irish flight attendant gave me his number on the last flight I was on, partially because I assume he found me attractive, but mostly, I believe, because I called him a bastard for taking my wine before I was done and most people aren’t ballsy (stupid) enough to talk to airline staff like that.
– No more bi-weekly hair brushing. Of course I don’t actually own a brush, but I run my fingers through my hair twice a week in the shower, which is a huge hassle for me as I usually read in the shower. For those who haven’t spent a lot of time with me and don’t know, I have an obsessive reading problem. I try not to slowly move books upwards so they block people’s faces when they’re talking to me, but it’s a constant struggle.
– No more not wearing a bra? Or wearing a bra? I don’t know which one makes me more or less attractive. One one hand, wearing a bra makes me look more kempt (apparently that’s not a word, but I don’t know what else is the opposite of unkempt so it stays) and is apparently more flattering says my friend Zups who has been waging a seven year long battle to get me to wear one. On the other hand, nipples I guess? Unarguable proof I don’t have a boob job when I’m lying down, not wearing a bra? The outline of my nipple ring? I have a fun tendency to take bras off midway through events or at peoples houses but that’s more of a social thing since I have to do a monthly round up. It’s also a built in quip, “Aos so forgetful, I literally found her bra in my dishwasher the other day”.
– I don’t own or wear very much make-up since I’m in my mid-twenties and have come to appreciate that men don’t really have standards. But I do own:
1) Two mascaras . One is from the dollar store, and I bust it out for special occasions. The other is green and I bought it accidentally not realizing that the reason it was on sale was because it was green and therefore only misguided pre-teens would purchase it. I bought it before a date when I realized I didn’t have any make-up and then put it on at work and realized it was green causing me to scream, “Holy fuck, all I have is green mascara; I look like a fucking pervert!” This caused my friend Sonje to look at me like I was an idiot and say, “Why would a pervert be wearing green mascara?”
2) One red lipstick, which is really a lipstain. It looks like a highliter and as such I have been asked many times by drunk people if I was putting a highliter on which caused me to look at them like they were idiots and ask, “Why would I be putting highliter on?”.
3) One chapstick, which is not at all cosmetic and I won’t give it up no matter what Joseph Gordon Levitt says.
4) One black kohl which Log brought me back from Israel. I won’t give that up either because I’ve almost figure out how to put it on.
I will promptly throw out numbers 1 and 2, and but not 3 and 4 for reasons previously discussed.
I recently acquired my only pair of heels from my aforementioned friend Zups’ eighteen year old sister who was throwing them out (I get all her hand me downs). I haven’t worn them, and now I won’t ever get to. Otherwise I mostly wear flip flops which I don’t imagine make me any more attractive, in any circles. Maybe hippie circles? But I won’t give that up.
I don’t really pluck my eyebrows because I don’t own tweezers, but unfortunately I have naturally thin eyebrows. I believe this is part of the reason why my sexpat costume was not as successful as it could have been. If JGL wants me to do something about this, he will have to buy me Rogaine.
I have to go now, because Zups is here and has bought me food. I’ll be back with more insight on why I’m unattractive and or attractive later !
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